Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Worst of 2011

[ (surprisingly not a porn site)]

I love creating best-of lists. No one reads them of course, but I get a lot of satisfaction out of talking to myself in my head in a pretentious, scholarly tone about how this year's new Sister Hazel LP was such an important record. But best-of lists are overdone and not nearly as fun as talking shit. Here's are some of the worst things I've experienced over the past year.

Worst Restaurant of 2011
Buffalo Wild Wings
A Buffalo Wild Wings got put up in Saugus earlier this year off Route 1, so I went with some buddies from work for lunch to try it out. This really might be the worst chain restaurant in existence. At least most fast food restaurants do their niche - burgers microwaved by teenagers - with some proficiency. The buffalo wings here were worse than any I've ever had at a dive bar. The chicken sandwich I ordered was just a bun and a piece of chicken (the menu said it had lettuce and tomato on it) and the mouthbreathing waitress brought me salt instead of sugar for my iced tea. Fuck Buffalo Wild Wings.

Also Shitty:
That Papa John's in Brighton
They fucked up our order, brought us a new order, fucked up again by bringing the same incorrect order that they brought the first time, and then had to come back a third time because they left the pan in the breadstick box. I really hope this place is a drug front. At least that would give an answer to their incompetence.

Worst Place I Visited
Jackson, MI
Jackson, Michigan is the Rose City and the Prison City. I was here for business last February and I didn't see roses, but the latter title was spot on.  Wikipedia says that there's a large prison complex, but I imagine they just put convicts in downtown apartments and let their morale wither away from the decay and boredom of their surroundings. This city's population has been in decline since 1950. Perhaps the result of suburban sprawl, but I'm sure long time residence in Jackson brings upon the loss of sex drive and increased risk of suicide.

Also Shitty:
Brockton, MA
My roommate and I had to pick up a UHaul for moving this fall from Brockton. It was undesirable.

Worst Movie I Saw
Technically this movie came out in 2009, but I pretty much only watch movie on NetFlix and this is my list. This movie is offensive to the senses in nearly every way. Within the first two minutes of the movie, a girl has her top off and is almost immediately killed by a poorly-animated turkey who remarks, "Nice tits, bitch!" before offing her. The turkey later rapes. According to IMDB, the budget for this film was $3,500 but the production team would have been better off using the money on arsenic.

Also Shitty:
Released in 2010, but fuck you. I thought 127 Hours with James Franco was alright, but more of an interesting premise than an entertaining movie. This movie just sucked. Ryan Reynolds stuck in a box for 90 minutes. Is this some sort of metaphoric fetish porn for women I wasn't aware of?

Worst Thing To Happen to Music
I know he's been around for some years, but I really don't want to have to deal with this guy being on mainstream Top 40 radio. He looks like a partially shaved phallus and always wears a douchey smirk that you can pretty much hear through his rapping. He is talentless and might have the most punchable face on the planet.
Also Shitty:
Dubstep Going to Shit
I guess there are still a few people trying to progress the genre but it really has turned into the ass-music that South Park satirized mid-season. This didn't happen all of a sudden in 2011 but wow. No genre of music deteriorates faster than a new brand of club music and dubstep proved no different. At least Zomby had a decent record (James Blake and Rustie too). Thanks for not being a dick, Zomby.

This is too much hatred and too many Bloody Marys for one evening. Let's hope 2012 brings upon less shitty CBS programming and gratuitous hashtag usage for the good of mankind.

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